Moonlight Sonata
by BlaineOnMyParade
Summary: Sirius has always loved James, but he just never quite new how to say it. But now, as James is preparing to move on to a new life with Lily, Sirius knows he has just one last chance to confess his feelings.


Moonlight Sonata  
By Sammah  
  
The faint chill of an autumn breeze rippled through the spaces, whispering against the ground to make the dead leaves dance, fluttering the edges of the delicate linen table cloths, sweeping over all of the guests, and touching everyone with a hint of cold that carried the distinct promise of an early winter.  
  
It weaved itself into his thick black hair, tugging at the locks, messing and mussing, and laughing in his ear as it whistled past, blowing onward to touch the lives of many others, before it would fade into nonexistence.  
  
The way he was currently feeling, nonexistence was most certainly a welcomed contrast to the breaking of a heart.  
  
And so he merely watched them.  
  
They were dancing there, in the midst of all the well-dressed men and woman, a portrait of utter perfection and bliss. Her, with that long red hair, those perfectly shaped green eyes that seemed to shine as they spun around, her silky white robes billowing out around her ankles, lost in the music. Lily, the blushing bride, so beautiful and undaunted, getting her perfect fairy tale wedding.  
  
Then there was him. James, with that familiar grin on his face, his glasses reflecting the fairy lights that hung above their heads, illuminating the dance floor in the quickly fading twilight. His hands perfectly positioned, one on Lily's dainty waist, the other holding her hand tightly, laughing, and singing along as they moved, lost in the world they'd created around each other.  
  
Shifting in his seat, he didn't bother to brush the hair away as it fell across his eyes, almost glad it blurred his vision, hiding his red-rimmed pupils from Remus, who kept giving him odd looks over the table. He'd missed his chance, he'd let the window close, and now he was regretting it, drowning his sorrows in another healthy serving of alcohol, his stomach churning as he looked up again, this time viewing them through the champagne in his glass, the world tinted a light shade of gold. Still perfect, still dancing, still very much together. Even the liquor couldn't hide their obvious love for one another.  
  
iAnd so I sit by, and I let her take him. Just waltz off with everything I've wanted,/i Sirius thought to himself, swirling the liquid around in the glass, watching it slosh dangerously near to the gilded rim. iHe's been my life, for six years. He's been my everything, for always. He's my soul mate...he's my best mate...he's my...my...Jamie. And I love him./i  
  
"I never told him," he whispered under his breath, pushing his chair back from the table. "I have to tell him. He has to know. Even if it doesn't make a difference anymore, at least not to him, it means the world to me. And he'll know. I may have lost my chance, but that doesn't mean I have to keep tormenting myself." Standing with a flourish, he threw the laced napkin down on his empty plate, straightening his robes nervously. He wasn't sure why he had picked this moment to let things come to a head, and to confess what he'd been holding inside for most of his childhood. All he knew was that his heart was telling him it was right, and for once, it was overriding his head.  
  
Sweeping up the path between the tables, Sirius didn't stop to speak to the guests, didn't bother to answer as people called out to him. He had to do this, and he had to keep his focus. If he let himself waiver, if he gave his head one reason to weigh out the rationalities, it would all be over. James would be off, building his perfect new life, and then the moment would forever be lost, like so many other moments before it.  
  
He would forever remember the moment he approached them. The feel of the smooth wooden floor, creaking beneath his feet as he stepped, the glint of the star-like lights draped in neat rows above them, and the faint outlines of the real stars beyond them. The way another blast of that blustery fall wind whispered through, seeming to encourage him as it tickled his face and neck in passing. He could do this.  
  
"Lily," Sirius said softly, placing a hand on her shoulder, willing himself to do it, to say it, to tell James what needed to be said for him to feel closure. "May I cut in?"  
  
The music changed then, the relatively upbeat tempo, fading into something slower and methodical, the sweet notes of the piano filtering out over everything, as she moved to take his hand, smiling.  
  
The wizard shook his head though, taking a few slightsteps back, giving the woman a short smile. "I meant with James."  
  
Lily looked confused, quirked a brow in his direction, but said nothing as she bowed out, deciding to let them have their moment while she flitted away to dance with her father, leaving James open for Sirius's discretion.  
  
Biting his lip, Sirius gave his mate an almost shy look as he stepped closer, one arm going around James's waist, hand resting on the small of his back, the other grasping on for dear life, fingers weaving together as they began to move, neither speaking until Sirius finally inclined his head towards the record player.  
  
"Beethoven," he asked softly, his blue eyes giving no indication to his real and true intent, as James answered, just as quietly, their conversation yearning for privacy, even in the midst of all the guests.  
  
"No," was the reply, accompanied with a small smile, "Mozart."  
  
There was a nod, feet still shuffling as they glided, both of them counting their steps mentally, a lesson they had learned years ago when taking formal ball room dance. So many delicious years ago that had been, before love and friendship had fused together, when life's most atrocious hardship was deciding about whether or not one would be attending quidditch practice, or who would get the last jelly slug. Now here they were, vague traces of the boys they had once been, dancing beneath the October sky, neither knowing what to say as they reached the inevitable crossroads they'd been racing towards.  
  
Sirius leaned forward, resting his forehead against James's trying to gather his thoughts, to center on everything he'd every wanted to say, and how to condense that into something simple. There was so much to say, and it could take days for it all to come out. So many things that had pointed him in this direction; that had got him to this point. So many little things that littered the path, that had made him fall, and harder then he ever had in his life. Things that made him who he was today. Sleepless nights in Jamie's bed, eating pepper imps and talking about everything, quidditch matches and slight victory kisses, and those hugs. It was always the hugs, that made him feel weak. The way those arms would slip around him, when no one else was there, hands caressing his neck and his back, words muttered in his ear to sooth him. Always there when life went wrong. Always there to catch him whenever he stumbled, which was often.  
  
There would be no more hugs after today.  
  
Pulling back, he gave his mate that loving lopsided half-smile, concluding that he just needed to say it, and that things would work out naturally. "Jamie...you're my best mate, and while I'm glad that you found Lily, and that you're happy...I have to admit...I couldn't be more miserable."  
  
More steps, a few turns, a curt nod to one of the odd guests, before James turned his full attention back to his mate, eyes flickering with concern. "Why are you miserable? Are you...are you afraid, that you won't find what we have? Because you will, Siri. It just takes time..."  
  
"No. Just stop, Jamie. You don't know, all right? This is the one thing that I never told you, and it's the thing I've always needed to say the most." He looked down then; unable to meet the other mans gaze any longer, staring at his feet which were now moving without thought, the music becoming second nature. "I do love someone. So much that it's killing me to even stand here, saying this, but I know that if I don't I'll end up feeling a whole lot worse. Because with the state of the world, and war looming over us, and the constant fear that neither of us might make it to see tomorrow, I have to let them know. They deserve to know."  
  
"Who is it," James asked, biting his lip as he watched Sirius, who wouldn't even look him in the eye. "I'm not going to judge you, Sirius. If you love them as much as it seems that you, they should be damn lucky to even know you. You can tell me. Who?"  
  
Sirius still couldn't bring himself to meet his mates eyes as he leaned his head in to rest his cheek against Jamie's, his breath tickling the other boys ear as it labored out, his heart seeming to slow in his chest as their movements came to an abrupt halt, the answer rolling off his lips.  
  
"You."  
  
It was the only word that needed to be spoken, because it was the only word that mattered. And no sooner had it been uttered, than Sirius had pulled away, not leaving time for questions about how long, and why, offering no room for stiff accusations and slight resentment at the situation as he walked away, leaving James in his wake, watching him go.  
  
The music faded into the silence as he walked on, beyond the lights and the glamour, beyond the tables and the rows of finely dressed people, all there to wish well to the bride and groom. Perhaps he'd walk forever, or at least until it was all far behind him.  
  
Sirius sighed, running a hand through his hair as he turned to look back one last time. James was still standing there in the middle of the chaos, looking hurt and bewildered, and it was funny, and even ironic, what he thought at that last look back.  
  
The thing he'd done to make himself feel better had done nothing to change his feelings at all. 


End file.
